paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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