Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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