Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
