I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sorry about my life...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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