I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize