So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
