She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
