I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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