I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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