you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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