Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You ate ashes out of my bong
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
