Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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