If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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