Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
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