she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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