The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
