She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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