worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
