I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i now understand why vodka
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