I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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