make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
