My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Randomize
