These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
