Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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