You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
