Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?