i wish peter jackson would direct porn
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me