12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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