so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
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Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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