I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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