When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
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Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
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he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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