how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
