note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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