I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
