I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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