i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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