Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
