Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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