I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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