If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
