When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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