I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.