her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
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she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.