Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going