I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
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Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?