using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.