Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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