can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
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So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
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How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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