My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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