Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
