you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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