I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
