if i died would you start the facebook group?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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