You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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