i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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