You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
