im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
