fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
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