I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
