I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
