Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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