you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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