My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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