bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
